User blog:Fametown/Season 5 Rhyme Schemes
Yeah, I made a blog like this before, I wanted to make another one. Season 5 (counting Deadpool vs Boba Fett) has had some pretty great rhyme schemes so far. ERB have really improved on that. Deadpool vs Boba Fett Boba Fett But do you guys honestly think that I would screw this feud up And lose to the dude a huge-'tooth'ie cootch'''ie '''chewed up But do you guys honestly think that I would screw this feud up And lose to the dude a huge toothie cootchie chewed up That's-ba'nan'as! I do dam'age when I '''brand'ish my ka'tan'as '''Man, I'll slice you up then van'ish in my lady bug pa'jam'''as '''That's ba-'nanas'! I do brandish my ka'tanas' Man, I'll slice you up then vanish in my lady bug pa'jamas' I'm one of a kind; you're a xe'rox' of your pa'''pa Doing temp work for Vader and '''odd-'jobs' for Jab'''a I'm '''one of a kind; you're a xer'ox of' your papa Doing temp work for Vader and odd jobs for Jabba I'm tight; you're mad baggy! I'm toned; you're so flappy Mad 'cause Sam Jackson killed your clone daddy Somebody oughta put a bounty on that cape I'm tight; you're mad-'bag'gy! I'm toned, you're so flap'''py '''Mad 'cause Sam-'Jack'son killed your clone dad'''dy '''Somebody' oughta put a bounty on that cape Maybe I'll write a letter and mail it in your face Boba Fett Good thing I keep Tums in the Slave 1 'cause your style makes me spacesick And your bars are like your old pal, Cable: fucking basic! That Dr. Killebrew dude needs to go back to med school 'Cause right now you're no good to me, Deadpool! (It's a simple two-syllable rhyme, but goddamn it's perfect.) Boba Fett I only need five lines cuz I look fucking great You look like someone spilled lasagna on your face! (Holy shit! That's a six-syllable rhyme!) Deadpool Wrap that arm dart around Jar Jar and go far, far away! Boba Fett Now take a lesson from a genuine a''sassin'' who's blasting foes! I come equipped with a full set of sick Manda''lorian flows! Everybody knows you got that power of '''regeneration' Now run home and heal from this disintegration J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin Martin Brace your'''self! Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves And your Ents and your '''Orcs, and your Wargs and your Stings, Your dwarves and Glam''drings'', 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring! And your Ents and your Orcs and your Wargs and your Stings, Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's new a literary Lord in the Ring! (That's sexy.) Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies! (Yeah!) Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies! There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome! Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne! Tolkien Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves, Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords! (It adds an extra syllable in there but I'll count it.) Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves, Horse's, '''fort'esses, magic, and '''swords! You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack! You want a war,-'George'? Welcome to Shire-raq! You Hob-bit my whole shit, you unin''spired hack''! You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq! (Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance-'and'-'an'archy, So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die ran'''domly, But news '''flash: the genre's called fan'tasy! It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic '''mana'tee! (Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance and '''anarchy, So yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly, But news flash: the genre's called fantasy! It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee! (You saw that one coming.) Martin I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats. I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast! I con''sci''entious''ly'' object to what you're do''ing'' on these-''beats''. I'll cut you like my teeth on Beau''ty'' and the Beast! You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants! We don't need the backstor''y'' on ever''y'' fucking tree branch! I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats. I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast! You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants! You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants! We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch! (Another simple two-syllable rhyme that kicks ass.) Tolkien I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme! You LARPed your Santa Claus-ass through Viet''nam''! Martin Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke! My show's the hottest thing on HBO! Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke! My show's the hottest thing on HB'O'! I'm rock and roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy-foot fetish, dog! Even the names of your characters suck: You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandy'bucks'! I got a second-''breakfast'' for all them goofy fucks! Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts! Ev''en the names of your characters suck: You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brand''y''bucks! I got a second breakfast for them all goof''y'' fucks! Lift up my gut and '''tea-Baggins my nuts! Tolkien Because the backstory of my box office is billions! Got my children making millions off my Silma-'rillions'! Because the backstory of my box office is bill''ions Got my ''chil''dren making ''mill'ions off my ''Sil''ma''rill''ions! And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been! Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin! And I'm more rock and roll than you've ev''er ''been! Don't believe me? Ask Led-''Zepp''el''in''! You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Tower''ing''! (Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's Return of the King! You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Towering! (Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's Return of the king! Gordon Ramsay vs Julia Child Gordon Ramsay 'Cause I'm in the fuck'ing weeds with' all these shows to pitch! I keep my ovens preheated and my pilots green-lit! 'Cause I'm in the fuck'ing'-'weeds' with all these shows to pitch! I keep my ovens pre-'heat'ed and my pilots green-lit! I'm rolling in dough like beef wellington from hollering, And I'm shitting on you like I'm whack-flows intolerant! Julia Child Oh, isn't that a wonderful thing? A grump'y' little chef who thinks-'he' can bring E'''-'''nough-'stuff'-'to'-'just'ify getting rough With the butt'er '''lov'ing queen of the 'Bou'rguig'''non-'Boeuf'! (Hot damn.) I rock hard as concrete on top of these bomb beats! Been chopping the pommes frites since you sucked on your mom's teats! (Fire.) I rock-'hard' as con'''crete '''on-'top' of these bomb beats! Been chop'''ping the '''pommes frites since you sucked on'' your '''mom's teats! I rock hard as con''crete'' on top of these bomb beats! Been chopp''ing'' the pommes frites since you sucked on your mom's teats! I served America dutifully, and I slice lard beautifully! I reign supreme from shark repellent to char'cuterie'! I served America dutifull'y', and I slice lard beautifull'y'! I reign sup'reme' from shark re'pellent to ''char''cuter'ie! Go on and cross your arms in that B-boy stance! When it comes to haute cuisine, there's one F-word: France! (Also, did anyone else notice that they ended both lines with a letter? "B-boy stance!" and "F-word: France!" Interesting.) Here's a nice amuse-bouche: take a poor abused youth, Set a thirty-year timer, voila! Huge douche! (R.I.P Gordon Ramsay.) You're a namby-'pamby'-'candy'-ass pansy, Gordon Ramsay! You couldn't rap your way out of a pastry bag, under'stand me'? (Who the hell wrote for Julia Child? I want their autograph.) You're a namb''y-''pamb''y-''cand''y-'''ass'-''pans''y, Gordon Ram''say! You couldn't '''rap' your way out of a pastry bag, under''stand'' me? I laugh and create; you berate and destroy, But fear, my dear boy, is less scrumptious than joy! I laugh and create, you berate and destroy But fear, my dear boy is less scrumptious than joy! Gordon Ramsay I'm glad you got that off your giant, flabby chest! I'd call you a donkey, but you look more like Shrek! When the Iron Man chef busts a rhyme, I'll open up on you like a fine red wine! When the I'''ron Man man chef busts a '''rhyme, I'll open up on you like a fine red wine! I'm a culinary inno'vat'or; you're no cre'at'or! Regurgi'tat'ing French plates like a glorified transl'at'or! I'm a cul''inary innovat''or,-''you're'' no creat''or''! Re''gurg''itating French plates like a glor''ified translat''or! I've seen your little show, and it sure ain't pret'ty'! One part Big Bird, two parts Miss Pig'gy'! You can't test me with your fatt'y' reci'pes'! Call your book Master'ing' the Art of Heart Di'sease'! I've seen your lit'''tle show, and '''it sure ain't pre'''tty! One part '''Big Bird, two parts Miss-'Pig'gy! You can't test me with your fatty rec'ipes! Call your book Mastering the Art of Heart '''Di'sease! You '''can't test me with your fatty recipes! Call your book Mastering the Art of Heart Disease! You can't test me with your fat'ty recipes! Call your book '''Mast'ering the Art of Heart Disease! You '''call these rhymes raw? (No, chef!) They're stale and soft! Now, here, take this jacket… Now, give it back and fuck off! Julia Child Oh please, your defeat's guar'anteed'! Concede, I've got this in the bag: sous-vide! (Ha!) Michelin indeed, you've done well for yourself Oh please, your de''feat's'' guaran''teed''! Con''cede'', I've got this in the bag: sous-''vide''! (Ha!) Michelin in''deed'', you've done well for yourself (Ha!) Michelin indeed, you've done well for yourself, But as a person, you couldn't get a star on Yelp! I could freeze a steak with those frosted tips! What's with that bitter taste in every word from your lips? (They don't sound like it rhymes because the difference in flow between the lines, but I'll still count it.) You scream at women, but the fits that you're pitching Make you the pissiest bitch in-'in the'-'kitchen'! You scream at wo-''men'', but the fits that you're pitch-''ing'' Make you the piss''i''est-''bitch''-''in''-''the''-''kitch''-''en!'' Frederick Douglass vs Thomas Jefferson Thomas Jefferson When in the course of human e'vents' It becomes nec'essary for a battle to com'mence Then kplow! I hit 'em with the ill'''ness of my '''quill! I'm endowed with certain unalienable skills! Let me run down my résumé, will ya? Set up a little place called the United States; sound fa'miliar'? I told King George he could eat a fat dick! When it comes to declarations, I'm the first draft pick! (Just a simple two-syllable rhyme scheme, but I love it.) I'll topple any tyrant, so kings and pirates beware! I'm so down with revol'''utions, I invented the '''swivel chair! (Oh!) I've many vol'umes' on my shelves, it's true, But I've yet to read the three books you wrote about YOU! Looking like a skunk in a three-''piece'' suit, Didn't come back from Paris to battle Pep''é'' Le Pew! First Secretar''y'' of State, V-''P number two! '' Not to mention third President; the fuck'd you-'do'? First Secretary of State, VP number two! Not to mention third President, the fuck'd you do? Frederick Douglass Starting with your nickel: there's a real decla'ration'! Heads for racist, tails for slave plan'tation'! You're a soft white Mont'''icello '''Marsh-mall-'ow'! Watch'ing my people sweat while you sat playing cell'o! Hell'o'! But now you're facing me, Freddy D! I'd never work for your ass, but I'll kick it for free! But now you're facing me, Fredd'y'-'D'! I'd never work for your ass, but I'll kick it for free! The face of a free man, taught himself to read, man! No compromise; you couldn't whip a 5th of me, man! You got a self-evident truth of your own: You let freedom ring, but never picked up the phone! Thomas Jefferson Aw, Frederick, I've never heard a verse I dug less Alright, I admit it, I confess! I par'ticipated' in a broken system that I hated, But I needed to keep my financial status situated! And the words I used were "hideous blot" To describe the slave-''trade'' and the pain it hath brought! And I fought to stop the trade of new slaves in Virginia When I ran the whole state and still made it home for dinner! ("Virginia" and "for dinner" is a very clever rhyme, I like it a lot.) So for''give me''; I was busy, man, I had a lot to do, But we did it. You're free now, so…we cool? Frederick Douglass This ain't Louisiana, man. I ain't buying it! You talk about freedom, but you ain't a'pplying shit'! So no, we ain't cool, you founding absentee father! Man, you had six babies with your slave mama and never even bothered To free her when you died on the 4th of July! It's a very im''portant''-''holi''day, but what the fuck does it mean to this guy? 'Cause I cele'brate' December 6th, eight'''een sixty-five The '''day the 13th damn amendment was ratified! And I ceased to be an a''li''en to your una''li''enable rights And we the pe''ople stopped ''mean-''ing''-''we'' the pe''ople who are white! ''Man, you did some good things; I ain't denying your fame I'm just say'''ing '''they need to put an asterisk next to your name James Bond vs Austin Powers James Bond (Daniel Craig) I've beefed with Le Chiffre and No and Blofeld with the cheek scar But they were not as crooked and rotten as your teeth are I've beefed with Le Chiffre and No and Blo''feld with the '''cheek' scar But they were not as crooked and rotten as your teeth are I'll go balls to the Walther on this wack twat in an ascot Blast shots atcha like gas from the back slot of a fat Scot Permission from the Crown to put a scoundrel down? I've earned it I'm licensed to kill; you couldn't get a learner's permit Per'mission from the ''Crown to put a scoundrel-''down? I've'' '''earned it I'm licensed to kill; you couldn't get a learn'er's '''per'mit After twenty-four films, I'm still reaching new '''heights Your third movie died; guess You Only Live Twice Spell my name! The ladies wanna B on D Any sex appeal you might have is beyond me (This is my favorite rhyme in any ERB. It works so well.) Spell my name! The lad'ies' wanna B''' on '''D An'y' sex appeal you might have is be'''yond '''me I'm bespoke from my head to my toe, and after this flow, I'm done I only need one round: Golden gun I'm be'spoke from' my head to my toe, and after this flow, I'm done I only need one round: Golden gun Austin Powers I've never seen such a miserable spy I've also never seen a man with glistening thighs I mean, you can't shag properly with that waxed tush Birds flock to the musk of my chest bush I'll hypnotize you with a little striptease And then judo chop; I'm swinging on you like the sixties You're defenseless; my rhymes can't be deflected You're like all the sex I've ever had: unprotected You're defenseless; my rhymes can't be deflected You're like all the sex I've ever had: un'protected' People want a hero with a little personality No one wants to sit through your gritty reality! People want a hero with a lit'tle persona'lit'''y No one wants to '''sit through your grit'ty rea'lit'''y! I'm one of a kind; you're always getting '''remade You can't touch me; double oh, behave James Bond (Daniel Craig) Sipping dry mar'tinis' and peeling off bi'kinis' Not rapping against Swedish-'penis'-pumping weenies I didn't say I was finished! I'm sick of your silly gimmicks I'm the best spy in the-'business'; just ask all the critics And I've been through hell, so yeah, I'm a bit of a cynic But I'm the original model that your frilly ass mimics I did'''n't say I was '''fin-'ished'! I'm sick of your sil'''ly '''gimm-'icks' I'm the best spy in the bus-iness; just ask all the crit-'ics' And I've been through hell, so yeah, I'm a bit of a cy-'nic' But I'm the original model that your fri'''lly ass '''mim-'ics' James Bond (Sean Connery) It's the most prominent-''dominant'' bomb spy, so pay homage Handing out ass-whippings, I'm on some real James Bondage (Nice!) It's the most prom''inent ''dom''inant ''bomb spy, so pay hom''age Handing out ass-whippings, I'm ''on some real James Bond''age Your performance doesn't ''stir me, and I'm cert''ainly '''not shaken' If I wanted shitty acting in my action film, I'd go and watch Taken (Nice!) I'm the granddad of the brand millions of fans have been sold on You're so far up on my nuts I should call you Bond. Gold Bond. (Nice!) Could I get back in my rap, please? Rap these, you velvety hack! Jeez! James Bond (Sean Connery) Oh please, I'm an extraordinary gentleman! I'm distinguished If they made a Mini-Me, they'd have to cast Peter Dinklage Or maybe they should cast a Bond who's actually English Why, pussy, aren't you the cunning linguist? Oh please, I'm an extraordinar'y' gentleman! I'm dist'ing'uished If they made a Min'i'-'Me', they'd have to cast Pe'ter '''Dink'lage Or maybe they should cast a Bond who's actuall'''y-'Eng'lish Why, puss'y', aren't you the cunnin'g'-'ling'uist? James Bond (Daniel Craig) As a matter of fact, I've got a knack for licking old cunts After I beat you, I'll kick the shit out of the man who does your stunts As a matter of fact, I've got a knack for licking old cunts After I beat you, I'll kick the shit out of the man who does your stunts Now, you listen here, you little duck-faced runt I'm all in! I'm ready to die any day that you want As a-'matter' of fact, I've got a knack for licking old cunts! After I beat you, I'll kick the shit out of the man who does your stunts! Bruce Banner vs Bruce Jenner Bruce Banner I'm an ace in the lab, acid, base, and treble So let me break you down on a mo'lec'ular level You turned one gold medal to a lifetime of green You need to carry fatherhood across that finish line (Argh!) Kept up with the Kardashians, but left some kids behind Now, run along; you'll thank me 'cause I'm getting kinda cranky And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry Bruce Jenner I'll lap and pass your ass ten different ways De'cath'lon ath'''lete, '''blast through you like some gam'''ma rays The '''truth is, there's no truce be'''tween the '''Bruces You're a drifter being useless; I'm a winner, no ex'cuses' (Uh!) Beauti'''ful women all up on my jock! (Oh!) You're so strong when you get '''mad Too bad you can't go back and protect your mom from your dad Caitlyn Jenner That's my teenage daughter, man; I have to for'bid this' I'll put a javelin through your jolly green discus Kylie not the type of girl I'mma let ya smash on You'll get the medal without the decathlon Caitlyn Jenner Look, I understand that you hate yourself But you don't need to blame yourself You're a tiger; stop trying to tame yourself You gotta be big enough to con'tain' yourself And get hit with a little for'giveness' Be green; it ain't none of my business And get-''hit''-''with'' a lit''tle for''give-''ness'' Be green; it ain't none of my bus-''iness'' The vision of those shorts kinda scarred me What'd you just rage at a Barney-themed party That's probably not something you seen as a child That's probably not something you seen as a child Not one day did you see your daddy smile Hulk not strong enough to deal with denial Laying you down easy, that's kitchen tile Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible Ivan the Terrible Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving Try to serve Ivan: no surviving ("Serve Ivan" - "Surviving" is one of the best rhymes I've ever heard in an ERB.) Look a''live'', crème de la Kremlin's ar''riv''ing Try to serve Iv''an: no sur''viv''ing You're a ''land rover, I'm a land expander Here to hand you your first loss,Alexander You're a land rover, I'm a land ex''pander'' Here to hand ya your first loss, Alex''ander'' You're a land rover, I'm a land ex''pand''er Here to hand you your first loss, Alex''and''er You're nothing but an overrated lush, I'll-'crush ya' I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia You're noth''ing but an overrated ''lush; I'll crush ya I'm the first Tsar of all of Ru''sia You're an asshole with an '''anastole' I'm heaven sent, di'vine and holy' So don't even try to ap'proach the God' Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgarod Alexander the Great (Oh boy, here we go...) Hey, fell''a, ''swell diss But now you got the Pan''hell''en'ist' from Pell''a ''hell''a '''pissed' Stepping up's fool'ish' as well as use'less' Lit'tle Vas''il''ye'vich, let me spell out the list Hey, fella, swell diss But now you got the Pan'hellenist' from Pella hella pissed Stepping up's foolish as well as useless Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list I brought foes to their knees in Phoenecia Breezed through Gaza to Giza I brought foes to their knees in Phoe-'ne'cia Breezed through Gaza to Gi'''za Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq And '''Pakistan in my ex'pansion pack' While you died in the middle of a game of chess You got vodka bars: flavorless And what I'm 'bout to spit will be the craziest So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed (Hot damn, Zach.) Kudos! Greek for the glory I got From winning every single war that I fought So this'll be straight forward, I'll take up this sword that I brought And slice you in half like the Gordian knot And I'll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport In the helmet that I wore as I swat'''ted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a '''porcelain pot And they'd be praying for the torture to stop But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring Until their vocals cords were torn up and shot And I would holler "Bucephalus!", hop up on my horsey and trot I win, Ivan, I vanquish, I'm an immortal, you're not (I quit.) Kudos! Greek for the glor''y I '''got' From winning every single war that I fought So this'll be straight for-''ward'', I'll take up this sword that I brought And slice you in half like the Gor''dian '''knot' And I'll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport In the helmet that I wore as I swat'''ted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a ''por''celain '''pot And they'd be praying for the tor-''ture'' to stop But I would leave 'em con''tort''ed and they'd be screaming and roar''ing Until their vocals ''cords-''were''-''torn'' up and shot And I would holler "Bucephalus!", hop up on my horse''y and '''trot' I win, Ivan, I vanquish, I'm an im''mort''al, you're-'not' (Nothing, literally nothing could beat this verse.) Alexander the Great It seems no one can de'feat me'; I weep, it's all so easy (What's wrong?) I feel a bit... queasy (Even when he's about to fucking die, Zach's rhyming is still on point.) It seems no one can de''feat''-''me''; I weep, it's all so ea-''sy'' (What's wrong?) I feel a bit... quea-sy'' (Ha! You've been poisoned!) Oh! The pain is un'bearable' My stomach's riddled-''with holes''! (I'm terrible.) There's no great who could defeat this Russian (Psst) What about a flute busting-'Prussian'? Frederick the Great I'm Frederick the Great! Out the gate, first servant of state Oblique at''tack''-''tact''ics ain't ex''act''ly straight I've got creative talents and battle malice Hard as steel on the field, gen''teel'' in the palace Russia's fucked up but no wonder why With your tundras and taigas and bears! Oh my! I would pay a guy to tear out my-'eyes' If I had to look at your troll face every night Ru-''ssia's''-''fucked-''up''-''but'' no won''der why With your ''tun-''dras'' and taigas and bears! Oh my! Now bring me my chair I'm wear'y from '''tear'ing you a new der'''rière from here to Red Square Ivan the Terrible Oh, what a humiliat'ing' de'feat' I know when I am beat, so, of course, take a seat Frederick the Great I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break in'stead' And just rest my little head (Why don't you drop dead-'Fred'!) I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break instead And just rest my little head (Why don't you drop dead, Fred!) Ivan the Terrible My expec''ta''tions were a lot higher But at least I saved the rubles on the garr'ote wire' It's another great-''day'' and another great victor'y' 'Cause no great can beat-'''me (What about me, Pomp'ey'?) Catherine the Great Macedonians, Prussians and Romans; those aren't worthy opponents It takes a Russian to take down a Russian! I'm Cat. I'm a cat, you're a rodent! You're unbalanced, like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged I brought the Russian empire straight out the olden days and right into the golden age! I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with This whole battle's like A''laska'' 'cause I settled it Catherine the Great That horse story is a pile of shit Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit But you're never gonna get-'it'-'nyet' Couldn't spin-'in' my chamber if-'this' were Russ'ian' rou'lette' I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off Bringing sexy back to House Ro'manov' So don't call me Queen, I'm far more Great Empress to Tsar 8, bitch! Checkmate! Category:Blog posts